Relationships As the Fantastic Magnifying mirror

People talk to me about their marriage. Usually it's the wife who wants to try to change things. They may describe a marriage filled with distance. There does not seem like connection between herself and her husband. Each goes their own way.

After listening to the story, the question I ask is, "Are you exploring divorce or do you want to discover a way to stay with him?" In the beginning she always seems to want to stay with him. The reasons are varied... fear of financial insecurity, wanting the kids to experience a father, the marriage is already 30 years old.

If she wants to stay with him I tell her that I can give her strategies to do this, but of having she'll manage to be happy might be totally detached from him. She has to find a place where irrespective of whether he cares for her the way she wants... or continues to ignore her.

Highlighting the Wounds

A marriage that doesn't have emotional intimacy is ideal for pointing out woundedness. It's like looking in a mirror that reveals everything child see about yourself. If she is despondent because he doesn't communicate with her, she sees in the mirror her own need for recognition. When she is upset because he forgets her birthday... again... she can look in the mirror and look at her pattern of expecting him to be different than he's always been.

Ending a relationship is messy and painful even when there won't be children involved. People often fight to keep the relationship going unless they have found someone else to start working on.

Deciding What You Deserve

It doesn't matter whether I think the marriage is going to make it. What matters is where the couple is. If only one member comes in for therapy, then what she wants (it's almost always the "she") is where I begin.

As I continue to point out to her the reflection in the mirror, she begins to examine things in an alternative way. Is this what she wants in life? We explore a lot of the wounds in past times which have her stuck in the belief this is all she deserves. As healing occurs she begins to see other reflections in the mirror.

She begins to see someone who is deserving of happiness. Gradually she begins to realize that she can care for herself. It is probably not easy, but she deserves the peace and comfort of being with someone who loves and appreciates her. Then she has the security from within herself to make changes in her life.